A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky

READ THE BOOK HERE

– PART 2/ THE SOLUTION: THE FOUR RULES FOR FAIR PLAY

TLDR –

The rules

The question is; why do responsibilities default to us, the women? Rodsky’s answer; because men do not value our time as much as they do their own.

Hi, my name is Jen and I’m reading the parenting books and articles so you don’t have to. 

Rodsky throws out a statistic; “According to one study, after bringing home baby, men increased their total workload by about 40 minutes a day, whereas women pickup more than 2 hours of additional childcare work per day.” I’m quite certain that data comes from this article.

“’Women ended up shouldering a lot more of the work that comes with a new baby, even though both men and women thought they added the same amount of additional work,’ said Claire Kamp Dush, co-author of the study an associate professor of human sciences at Ohio State University.”

I’d like to point out that it seems Rodsky took the data more insidiously than the original author may have intended? The authors go on to say that it isn’t the fault of one partner or the other (see below).

“What’s the reason behind the change? Kamp Dush and Yavorsky said the reasons are complex and not entirely the fault of mothers or fathers.
Other research led by Schoppe-Sullivan shows that some mothers “gatekeep” – essentially controlling how much fathers are involved in child care and what they can do.
“Women shouldn’t try to manage their partner’s parenting. But men also need to take the initiative and learn child care duties that their own socialization may have neglected,” Kamp Dush said.”

When the Baby Comes, Working Couples No Longer Share Housework Equally; Ohio state university; may, 2015

Rule #1: all time is created equal.

It’s our time to reclaim our time. Understand that all time is equal when completing the tasks that spouses/ partners divide among themselves.

Rule #2: reclaim your right to be INTERESTING.

Who were you before having children? Who were you before you coordinated playdates, made sure your husband bought the spider spray, negotiated tooth brushing with your toddler, forgot about coffee dates with friends, or to respond to text messages, before your breakdowns in therapy over your marriage? Who was your partner before he became who he became? Having interests and activities outside of the home, the family, and the obligatory things we partake in, is crucial to our mental health and our partnership’s wellness.

Losing your identity after having a baby (and how to get it back)

A great article from tommys.com titled Losing your identity after having a baby (and how to get it back) discusses ways to become yourself again.

“Having a baby can change your life in wonderful ways. But some people struggle because they feel they have lost their identity as an individual, which has been replaced by their identity as a parent,” tommys.com. Can you relate to that? Rodsky says to reclaim your right to be interesting.

Rodsky quotes Tovah Klein, PhD, director of Barnard College Center for Toddler Development; “Don’t let your passion be the perfection of your children. Because when you solely define yourself in relation to another, it’s not enough.” Oof. Here’s a quick read from Rodsky on the specific subject.

rule #3: start where you are now.

Rodsky introduces the idea that despite your frustrations with your partner, you too, are required to put work into changing the dynamic you find yourself a part of. She references Dr. Phyllis Cohen with this quote; “It all starts with a game changer. Only one person has to initiate change to proactively change the entire system.” Frustrated? Infuriated? Don’t wait for the change, initiate the change.

It is with Rule #3 that Rodsky finally shows her cards to potential players. The Fair Play system has 100 tasks (cards) and they’re divided into 5 suits; home, out, caregiving, magic, and wild (and 1 Unicorn Space card for each partner).

It is also under Rule #3 that the concept of conception, planning, and executing tasks is introduced. Rodsky says that the person who is responsible for the majority of the tasks, even if they aren’t responsible for the execution, is the person to hold that card. Example; this week at daycare is my daughter’s “snack week,” meaning we are responsible to provide snack for all of the other toddlers and infants in her classroom. I added this to our shared calendar, I looked up which snacks are appropriate and asked the lead teacher which snacks the kids are liking lately, I shopped for those snacks and picked up the grocery order, and I packed the snacks for my husband to take in today when he dropped off our daughter ( a task I usually do but I had a dentist appointment this morning). As you can see, I controlled and planned this task while my husband executed it. I did the majority of the work so I should be the one to hold onto this task card.

For each task card, the person must conceive, plan, and execute that task without interference, this is the most efficient way. For example, if a partner cooks dinner, that person should also be the one to plan the dinner, shop for the dinner, and cook the dinner. That way, all parts of the task are completed by one person. My assumption for why we’re discussing this in this chapter is that knowing how tasks are divided will help the partners to understand the amount of work going into one activity. What is the invisible work being done? What is the mental load of ensuring the kids get a snack this week? It’s more than hauling two reusable grocery bags to a door.

Rule #4: Establish your values and standards.

Give yourself permission to do less. Identify the things that you’re doing that you don’t want to do and are OK with stopping. My recent thing? We’re quitting dance class. We tried and failed 3x, we’re good. My kid is two. We don’t need to go again. We will try something else when she is older. Rodsky advocates for taking stock of your task cards and throwing out those that you don’t want to do, because you don’t have to do it all.

Minimum Standard of Care

Find an agreed-upon set of standards to complete the tasks that are being done. Question why are you doing things the way you do them? If your partner were to do the task in a different way, would this be acceptable to you? How about if you were to complete their task differently? Essentially, setting up the standards and the expectation of fulfilling a task will help the other party to know how to pick up that task and run with it so that the other can feel confident if they’re handing it off.

Summary

1. All time is created equal, both yours and your husband’s time. 2. Allow yourself to be interesting, and have interests and activities outside of raising children and your marriage. 3. Start where you are now. Assess who you are, what activities you contribute to the household, and how tightly you hold onto those activities. 4. Establish why you value what you value. Having a functioning household means being able to calmly discuss the tasks required to maintain the standard of care. Both partners need to feel that their values are being valued by the other party. Detailing how things are being done and why will help your partner to understand your perspective and how you feel the task should be done if you were to hand it off to them. If you can’t hand it off to them, evaluate why that is. Also, evaluate whether or not your time is best spent doing all of the things you have been doing.

Next read – PART 3/ How to win at fair play; playing for keeps

• BEDSHARING & SLEEP TRAINING
• FAIR PLAY (Part Three)
• FAIR PLAY (Part Two)
• FAIR PLAY (Part One)
• SEARS BABY BOOK (Part Two)