A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky

READ THE BOOK HERE

– PART 1/ the problem: what is fair play?/CHAPTER 1. THE CURSE OF THE SHE-FAULT PARENT

TLDR –

(DEFAULT Parent)

Have you heard this term before? I’m a new(ish) mom to a 2 year old and I recently heard this term within the last month or so but it has really resonated with me. I think this article says it well;

“Are you the default parent? If you have to think about it, you’re not. You’d know. Trust me. The default parent is the one responsible for the emotional, physical and logistical needs of the children. Spoiler alert: It’s typically the one with the uterus.” I know I’m the default parent because I announce whenever I’m leaving the room to use that bathroom. I’m the one announcing bathtime, bedtime, time to change a diaper, time for school, etc., etc., etc. Do you get me? This isn’t to say my husband does nothing, in fact, he does a LOT for us but when it comes to ensuring the essentials are done, that’s me *holds hand high in the air*.

Hi, my name is Jen and I’m reading the parenting books and articles so you don’t have to. 

Eve Rodsky talks from her personal experience as the “She-fault” parent, a term I believe she coined. She said, “Looking back, I hadn’t anticipated the endless emotional, mental, and physical effort parenthood would require.” (Again, I find myself gesturing wildly in agreement.) …”I was overtired and quickly became over extended. I also felt isolated and alone,” Eve added.

Single Married Women

In a conversation Eve had with a friend, the concept of being a “single married woman,” was introduced by Dr. Sherry L. Blake in her aptly named book The Single-Married Woman.

The book’s description says; “Some days a Single Married Woman feels like everything is under control, but many days she feels like screaming and crying and choking everyone in her house. The beautiful ring that symbolizes unending love begins to symbolize an unending circle of frustration. This is not a male-bashing book. It is designed to inspire, empower, and equip Single Married Women to find a way to thrive in their relationships without losing themselves or their voice.”

…”The bickering between us became part of our new family routine…” Eve said of her relationship with her husband due greatly to her bearing the bulk of the responsibility in her family.

WHY CAN’T WE EVER SEEM TO GET AHEAD OF OUR TO-DO LISTS?

This very important part of the book talks about the “invisible work,” the “emotional labor” or the “mental load” of parenting. I vaguely recall watching the movie “I Don’t Know How She Does It,” featuring one, Sarah Jessica Parker (based on a novel by Allison Pearson). I remember that I was holding a nursing one-year-old while watching a scene where Sarah Jessica’s character made mental lists of things to be done. Example; Buy spider spray, toddler toothbrushes, chicken, call about gymnastics, pack lunch, buy snacks for daycare, meet Molly for coffee, pick up prescription, chat with therapist. And yes, that’s a real list from my life.

The “mental load” is the constant list of things that need to be done to keep the family afloat weighing you down.

The “emotional labor” is the difficult work of maintaining relationships and managing emotions.

The “invisible work” is what’s done without notice; making sure the milk never runs out.

It’s in this chapter that Eve introduces the idea of “Unicorn Space.” She talks about how men respect their wives more if they have something of their own; a hobby, an interest, something that they take pride in, and vice versa. It helps couples to see each other as the romantic partner they were once attracted to and not the logistics manager they’re now married to (clearly speaking of men finding their wives attractive. However, that isn’t necessarily the problem in marriages so much as it is finding the time to reclaim one’s identity and hobbies and happiness.)

– THE HIDDEN COSTS OF DOING IT ALL

The deck is stacked against us

Eve sourced over 150 women that felt “The Invisible Workload is Killing Me and My Marriage.” Of this she said; “When you multiply this feeling of being overwhelmed, resentment, and resignation over and over and over again, it’s no shock that a recent study found women who were tasked with more invisible household work than their husbands were more likely to be dissatisfied in their marriages.”

Eve introduces us to the costs of doing it all:

“Consider the cost to your identity,” as she introduces the fact that working mothers are paid less, respected less, and looked over more in the workplace.

“Consider the cost to your career,” she says as she discusses the “mommy tax.” A concept that women lose 5 to 10 percent for every child she brings into the world. Ann Crittenden discussed this in her book “The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World Is Still the Least Valued.” From the book; “The “mommy tax” is the highest tax on families. A couple with a total income of $81,500, and two equally capable partners, could lose as much as $1,350,000 in lifetime income if they have a child.” Insane.

“Consider the cost to your wellness,” … “women are twice as likely to be affected by anxiety disorders as men.”

“Consider the cost to our society, robbed of valuable productivity and top female leadership and talent as 43 percent of highly qualified women with children take a career detour.”

OLD STORY. NEW SOLUTION.

Women do nearly 3x unpaid domestic work as men do. Eve created an organized, crowdsourced “Sh*t I Do” list to put in writing the vast amount of work that women really do in comparison to their male counterparts.

“A survey conducted by Bright Horizons – an on-site corporate childcare provider – found that 86 percent of working mothers say they handle the majority of family and household responsibilities, “not just making appointments, but also driving to them and mentally calendaring who needs to be where and when,” NEW RESEARCH SHOWS THE “MENTAL LOAD” IS REAL AND SIGNIFICANTLY IMPACTS WORKING MOTHERS BOTH AT HOME AND WORK (2017).

From the survey:

Despite the fact that 75 percent of mothers with children under 18 are employed full-time:

• 86 percent of working moms say they handle all family and household responsibilities
• 72 percent feel it’s their job to stay on top of kids’ schedules
• 63 percent have missed work to take care of their sick children.

Eve advocates for our partners to pick up a task and take it off our mental to-do-list completely. This idea is how she developed the four rules for fair play.

Summary

There is an imbalanced workload when it comes to having children. Women shoulder the stress and responsibility of caring for the family through invisible work and take on the mental load of parenting. Having children negatively impacts women in ways that not only affect them financially, but mentally, and ultimately as members of society. If things are going to change, our partners will have to take on more.

Next read – PART 2/ THE SOLUTION: THE FOUR RULES FOR FAIR PLAY- COMING SOON

• BEDSHARING & SLEEP TRAINING
• FAIR PLAY (Part Three)
• FAIR PLAY (Part Two)
• FAIR PLAY (Part One)
• SEARS BABY BOOK (Part Two)